Paralyzed

I’ve thought about this post for a year.  I started it May 13th, 2019.  Every time I go to write I’ve stopped.

One year ago today, I was coaching my beloved 6pm “Tuesday night crew” when Mom called. I muted her… She was clearly calling to talk to Jax.  Then she called again. Pure panic was on the other end of the phone. 

“He’s in the desert and no one can find him” 

  “Wait…what? Mom slow down, calm down, what’s going on?” 

“Trevor crashed in the desert and they can’t find him! He can’t feel from his nipples down!” 

I knew it wasn’t good… But my Mom’s a Mom.. a super caring one. I wasn’t sure the REAL extent of what she was talking about. Then Jare called… So I switched over to him, I said “did they call you?” Jare said hold on- he had Trev on the other line. It then became a three way call with Jare myself and Trev. 

He was laying somewhere in the desert, no feeling below the chest, waiting on a chopper that couldn’t find him. 

Between cries and whines, “I’m fucked” was his line. He was calling to tell us he was hurt, and sending his love to our little family.  

I packed up and headed home as soon as I could. I knew that I was most likely getting on a plane. When I got home Jared was standing in the kitchen of the house we just built- it was our 5th? night there. Jared looked at me with a sincere kind of smirk. 

“He’s going to be okay.”

I cried in his arms while he assured me of God’s plan. I agreed, but it didn’t make it any less sad. We waited to hear from Dad with the medical report. The report confirmed our fears. I booked the flight we already had picked out for the morning. 

I’ve always been protective of Trev. But not like this. I knew right away that my family needed me. Maybe more so than Trev: Mom and Dad. Let’s face it; Trevs physical abilities have shone bright throughout Trevor’s entire life for my Mom and Dad. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I knew that this was going to be a rough transition of life for all three of them. 

I knew, without a doubt, that he was in fact okay, and that most likely with the proper support, this could actually turn into the best thing that ever happend to him.  But I knew the support of myself and a few close friends wasn’t going to cut it though.  Before publically announcing that Trevor was paralyzed, I sent the medical report to our dear friend to confirm that what the report said..indeed meant he was paralyzed. Once she confirmed “it wasn’t good”, I spent the entire trip out to CA, creating a GoFundMe account for him. When I landed I shared it everywhere I knew how to. My phone never stopped going off. I had people I hadn’t talked to since I was a child contacting me.  And..People I didn’t even know. 

The whole trip felt numb. It was like everything was on mute. It went so fast. I never once got off my phone, doing all I could to help, and respond to peoples messages. 

I took my first ever Uber from John Wayne Airport to the hospital.  It was a 60? 90? minute drive and I don’t remember any of it- other than designing a shirt to be used as another fundraising tool. When I got to the hospital I remember going into the ICU,  Dad was there, I walked around the bed, and kissed Trevs forehead.

In the first few hours, I helped feed him some yogurt. I remember him telling me groggily “you’ve gotten pretty good at this between taking care of Gram and Jax” …Trev doesn’t make you feel special very often..So I took it and ran with it.

My mom had just flown home to MA from CA just a day or so before the accident. She then booked a flight back to CA as soon as she could.  I can’t remember when she showed up, but I made sure to go with Dad to pick her up. She was a wreck. I didn’t want her rushing into the room with Trev and loosing it, the last thing he needed was to see the sadness of everyone else. He needed positivity.

Trev was in a great deal of discomfort, and was scheduled for surgery to stabilize his spine on the the 1st. Mom and Dad (Dad more-so) was fixated on knowing whether the spinal cord was “severed” or not. Basically is his chances of walking 0- or does he have something to work with. I believe they (Mom and Dad) thought that the surgery was going to “fix” him. 

I don’t blame them. 

1. God “fixes” things every day. 

2. He’s their baby, I get it. 

To me, it didn’t matter.  I was looking at the situation from the big picture. 

  1. He’s alive. How incredible is that!!??
  2. He has the use of his arms! (His injury was high on the spine.)
  3. He’s going to become a better person because of this.
  4. He’s going to do incredible things. 
  5. My Hope was that he would find his own version of faith. (Peacefulness)
  6. Legs or not. He’s still Trevor. My brother. 

I remember many hospital hall way cries on the phone with Jared and our dear friend, Lisa. Hidden from Mom and Dad. I didn’t want them to see my sadness.. I felt like I was, and needed to be, the glue holding them up. I still knew he was okay… but I was still sad for him.

The surgery was long, longer than they expected. Dad Mom and I left the hospital and got some food. At one point we pulled into a gas station and were parked.. I can’t remember what we were doing, but we all were on our phones… Not one of them stopped ringing. Then we all just stopped and looked at each other with an amazingly overwhelming sense of gratitude for the love and help that was pouring in. All over the place. People organizing events, donating to the GoFundMe, reaching out, helping at home, ect. It was an astronomical amount of support. Unbelievable. The GoFundMe account had raised a significant amount in a very short period of time. (At the end of it, there were 550 contributors and $58k raised.)

The first was also my birthday. There was an event going on at the gym that day. My phone rang, it was my sister-in-law. She turned the phone around and 60+ people sang me happy birthday over FaceTime from the gym. I was a mess of uncontrollable sobs sitting in the waiting room with Mom. I was so grateful for their call.

When he was getting stitched up, the surgeon came out to talk to us. Mom and Dad were still trying to get the “truth” out of him. How bad was it? The docs don’t like to say, nor will they tell you it’s severed. He said: “it’s bad, really bad. It’s mush.” Mom lost it. It was not what they were hoping to hear. (Prior to this, a nurse pulled me aside and told me the extent of the injury. Now whether it was, is, or isn’t, [severed] it doesn’t matter. The fact was that he wasn’t walking out of the hospital, and isn’t going to walk tomorrow. I knew, and know, that it’s possible..and NOW the way that he’s going today, that he will someday hold his own body up again.

At one point I was looking at flights home. By this time there were enough people there that I felt like I could go. Even though he was just out of surgery, and super groggy..Another moment I’ll hold dearly is when he kept telling me “that’s the worst news I’ve heard all day” about me leaving. It was SO much harder than I thought it would be to leave. I felt like I was abandoning him. But I had a family and business at home that needed me too.

Then on the way home…a song came on that I’ve never heard before. As I’ve written about before:

Just be Held by Casting Crowns- I was sitting on an airplane, crying, heading home from seeing my brother, laying helpless (paralyzed) in a hospital bed, when this song came on Spotify. Unbelievable timing. I was immediately connected probably more than any other song I’ve ever heard. Not only did this song articulate to a T the message I wanted so badly to express to Trev, but it also holds true for life in general. You are always taken care of. Just simply be held. Your path is already paved…But I didn’t know this until Jared’s second accident, (which is a whole other blog in itself.)

When I got back to the gym, everyone was super supportive. The day after I got home, I walked into my bedroom and there on our bed was a wedding dress, and Jared on one knee- again. He had my ring- (that I left in MA weeks prior to get worked on) and a custom wedding band to match. He then explained to me that over the last three months he planned our wedding and honeymoon. It was planned for the following Saturday. WHAT!? This just crumbled me. I knew how much this meant to him, but I just couldn’t do it without my family. He was crushed, but completely understood. Then we had to make a decision: go on the “honeymoon” or not. We couldn’t get the money back, but I was feeling super guilty about going on vacation during such a time. We did end up going, It was really hard for me to get my mind off of what was happening in CA, but at the end of it, it was the best trip Jared and I have ever taken together. We joked and called it our “test run honeymoon”.

The next Friday we had another event at the gym. I started my workout to the song I heard on the plane on the way home. I sang the whole time, and somehow didn’t feel any of the discomfort that comes with what we do. I was moving because Trev couldn’t. He no longer had the opportunity to feel that discomfort. Despite lack of training, food, and recovery, It was by far my best performance I’ve ever done. Of the 60+ people there screaming and cheering, I didn’t hear anyone. I just moved. I’ll also never forget that night, the workout, and the significance of it.

A little while later, Jared flew out to help Trev and Dad in the transition from the rehab facility to our house in CA. It was a rough transition, as nothing was set up for someone in a chair. I remember Jare calling me and saying “I have no idea how Dad is going to take care of him when I leave”. They did all they could to make things easy, it was rough for all three of them to learn what he could and couldn’t do outside of a facility that was set up for SCI. Jare wanted to help, but he needed to be home too. He stayed for 9 days then flew home.

We had a benefit planned for April 20th, and Trev wanted to be there, so he decided to fly home the day before. He showed up and surprised everyone at the benefit, and we raised around $20k that day. There was an entire committee of people that organized it. They did so much work to get that thing to what it was. So grateful for their love and commitment to make it happen. Such great people.

That’s the bulk of “the story”.. but the actual truth of it all, and what I learned above everything is;

I have an undeniable love for my brother. 

Probably too much..for how much of an asshole he is.  

Trev and I used to be close, I followed him EVERYWHERE when we were kids. And then…girls happend. 🙄 I’m not really sure if it was because I was protective, or because I was jealous of the attention they got over me… But either way.. I then became the asshole to every girl he ever dated. Because of that, it distanced us for quite some time- like for 15 years or so. I continue to play that part of asshole sister..except now I know I’m just protective. 

Since his accident one year ago, I talk to him at least once a week. It’s something I now cherish. 

Also, something I must not forget to mention, is how proud of him I am. Throughout this past year everyone kept saying “he’s never been one to give up” … I call BS. That’s not true. (Sorry, I’m here to be honest.) He was always good at everything and didn’t really have to work at much. I’ve seen him quit and have an excuse many of times- particularly racing (esp when Jared would beat him…those were never happy rides home from the races.) Any-how… I was happy that he was optimistic.. but I was waiting for that to end once all the chaos faded and he was back to “real” life. To my pleasant surprise, that has not been the case. I’m extremely happy for him to have found hard work, positivity, and dedication. The use of his legs will not just show up for him. He gets the opportunity to work for it, and he’s taking full advantage of that opportunity. (Life!) I have more determination and work ethic than he does.. but I don’t know that I would be as strong as he is if the roles were reversed.

Beyond that:

  1. He has gotten himself back in the position to be able to do what he loves again. It’s not two wheels (for now), but he’s able to go fast and have a good time in his new (fully custom) ride. (And i’m sure he now know’s EVERYTHING there is to know about those four wheels.) It makes me happy to see that he has something he can look forward to doing again.
  2. He is stepping up to help others in similar situations… He asked last month to be appointed to the town’s newly established Disability Commission.
  3. He has some pretty awesome ideas to get others back into an action sport after SC injury that he wants to pursue.
  4. He’s working with people at Berkshire Health Systems on a possible plan to regularly speak to staff and patients about his experience and rehabilitation.
  5. And he has a “rough” business plan sketched out to improve rehab equipment that is subpar and isn’t always covered by insurance or takes months for approval.

I believe that things are just getting started for Trev, his path is already paved, and I’m excited to see where it goes.

As for me, I think I’ve said it all above. But one last thing..

I am eternally grateful for the gift of life that was provided for him on this day, one year ago. In so many ways.

I love you, brother. 🖤

2/1- What that means to me.

  1. My Grammie’s birthday.
  2. CFI’s Birthday.

14 months after losing my Grammie, on her birthday, we opened doors at CFI.

We had no members- not even one. We signed one person on that day. One.

Today, we celebrated CFI’s sixth birthday. Days go by so fast that it’s sometimes hard to really SEE. We held a small event today for our members in appreciation of them. It’s not until now- at 8pm- that I am taking the time to realize that 1. we’ve been in business for 6 years (WOW, how fucking awesome is that!?), and 2. remembering and reflecting on the memories of Gram.

Gram taught me so much about life, and how to navigate it. I didn’t know it then. Things come up in my every day life that I can now look back and recognize that she taught me how to deal with them. I am forever grateful for her lessons. Whether it be household stuff, caring for others, or mischief making..She made sure I knew how to do it.

I see so much of myself in her…and in Jax. I swear sometimes she’s putting him up to no good… which leads me to a side note… Some time ago Jax started talking about this “Kaka Mama” person, which now I chalk up to be an “imaginary friend”.. he will start talking about this person and what he’s doing with her.. and EVERY time he “hangs out with Kaka Mama” he gets in trouble. His famous line is “Kaka Mama told me to” or “Kaka Mama and I are.”..XYZ.. Jared and I always know to pay attention to what he’s doing when he informs us that he’s about to do something with “Kaka Mama”. If you believe in that kind of thing.. I assume it’s Gram. Wouldn’t surprise me at all. She was such a mischief maker. I will always carry that forward and teach my kids the beauty of harmless mischief.

I wonder what it would be like to talk to her now. What would our relationship look like now. I am totally different than I was 7 years ago, and certainly view life and relationships differently. I would be curious to learn more about her experiences in life from a deeper level, and tell her of my own.

I take my hat off to all entrepreneurs, it is NOT for the faint of heart and some days I even question myself if I’m strong enough for it. If I didn’t have her strength, I wouldn’t have made it as a business owner for this long. And I wouldn’t have the determination to keep going.

I’m happy this day shares both Gram’s birthday and CFI’s.

(For multiple reasons)..Without Gram CFI wouldn’t exist as it is today, and I probably would have quit years ago.

Stuck on a plane.

I am currently stuck in PA in a plane, on the runway. (With Jare.)

I’m learning a lot about society….

It’s currently 9:22pm, and we boarded at 5:30ish?

We were delayed because of a storm. Then the new route required more fuel, so we needed to go back to the gate to re-fuel. That was over an hour.

Then we had multiple other updates and confusions with the route.

Now we’re stuck because the storm moved, so they need to find a third route.

After every announcement, all you can hear is bitching and more bitching. Blaming the crew, pilot, and American Airlines.

PEOPLE…. what in the actual f*ck is wrong with you!!

We are not in the air because it is not okay to fly. Period. Would you rather stay on the ground where it is safe? Or risk your life for a few extra hours in Vegas?

I’m writing this because I am blown away at the way grown ass adults react to things that are COMPLETELY out of their control. Seriously. What are you going to do about it? The crew is doing their best, and we’re safe.

Sometimes it’s best to take a big view of what is actually happening. Count your blessings. Don’t be the ungrateful asshole that complains about everything under the sun.

Period. 😃😃

Today, a wife.

Yesterday was magical and so is tomorrow.

I didn’t need to get married to know or show our love. But we did, and I couldn’t be happier…

We didn’t tell many about our wedding, because it was super small, unorganized, and we (I) didn’t want anyone asking questions everyday about it. It has been a very career oriented busy summer, and we actually didn’t start doing anything FOR the wedding until the Monday before.

All week, I checked the weather. On the day of…. I checked it every three minutes. And the weatherman lies..

Our wedding was planned to be at 7pm. It was down-pouring at 4:30 and I was happy, but not happy. I just wanted that moment of sun that shines so bright almost every night on our property. It’s absolutely beautiful. … it didn’t look promising. I was actually afraid that it was going to be completely dark out at 7pm. We also didn’t have a rain plan… umbrellas?

Around 6:15? It started getting a little bit lighter, and at 7pm, the sun was shining. The sky parted perfectly. It was everything I was hoping for.

I was super happy to see our family walking out across the yard…. (even though it was 7:15 and they were panicking me… I thought the sun was going to go down before I walked!!!)

A lot didn’t go “as planned”.. not that there was ever a real plan.. but a lot definitely got screwed up. It was funny. I love that it happened. Because it really doesn’t matter.

Before I go… I want to talk about the family we have..😳

Unreal.

Every.

Single.

Person.

Had a role in making yesterday what it was. Every one.

We are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing group of individuals surrounding us.

If you were one of them, and you’re reading this, thank you thank you THANK YOU. We are once again blown away by your generosity and love. 🥰

The word “perfect” is used way too much. I don’t like it. Nothing is perfect. But I would say, our (OUR) day (the way WE wanted it, where we wanted it) was as close to perfect as we could have ever imagined it to be.

I wouldn’t have wanted our day to be any other way.

Love & Gratitude,

Nina Jordan.

Today, Is my wedding day.

Today. I marry my other half.

(Insert the “Wait, I thought you were married?” and “I didn’t know that you were getting married!?” and “It’s about time” lines here..)

Yup, today is my wedding day. Which is totally fucking awesome.. but lets be real here- we’ve been married. 😆

Gol-lee, what a journey it has been up till this point. I will take you through a quick abbreviated version of that journey….

2007– Is when it all started… My pick-up line was “You need help with that?” as Jared stood off the back of our boat and peed into the lake. (As my current boyfriend sat there in the passenger seat.) Yup, sorry Mom & Dad.

I had always wanted that (in my eyes) “big bad Jared Jordan” boy who spanked all the other boys in the mini class. He was so bad, and I knew it, but told myself that if I could just once get my hands on him I would take advantage of it.. Well, that opportunity came closer and closer as he and his friend came to our house one summer. Then when he came back a second time the next summer- gosh I don’t even know why.. I took that as another opportunity to weasel my way into GF status.

2008– Long story short- I hooked him. And I was shocked for about a whole year that it was actually real.. Then I settled in. I definitely calmed that boy down, and continue to every day. 😆

Now keep in mind- I’m 15 and he’s 17. No way did I ever really imagine he was going to be my husband someday, even though he told me (and my dad) so. My dad- did.not. like him. I could see that he wanted to, but boy did he smell trouble. Jared and dad would get into arguments.. I would be torn between who to side with.. it was a rough start.

2009– I don’t remember too much about this year. We still lived 206 miles apart. ( Jared got more speeding tickets in those first years than anyone should get in a lifetime.😳😬) We raced almost every weekend. And it was the year my sweet nephew, Treyson, was born. April 13 – April 21st. I was heart broken, mostly to see the hurt in my brother and his soon-to-be wife’s eyes. I will never forget the look on Sarah’s face as she had to fill out the paperwork at the funeral home. Absolutely heartbreaking.

2010– I graduated high school a year early. Jared decided he was going to ride bulls. (Yup more on that later..) We got a puppy together. (Kaine) And later that year Jared moved to MA to live with me at my parents house. Meanwhile, my grandfather went downhill FAST. My family was there at the very end. The day that Jared wiped my dying grandfathers ass, was the day I seen Dad really changed his mind about Jared. TODAY, I swear to god he would choose Jared over me. Hands down. 😂

2011 / 2012– Back to the bull riding…🤦🏼‍♀️ I had no idea why in the f*ck this was a thing.. like seriously. Who in their right mind… anyways.. I wasn’t happy about it. Jared told me he was going to be a professional bull rider. I packed his shit up, and left it at the gate of the farm he was riding at. I was not going to watch him get killed by a bull. He quickly realized that he was heading down the wrong path. Jared and I moved out of my parents house and into one of their apartments. We were still chasing the races, traveling almost every weekend up and down the East Coast with my dad, brother, and his wife. I was going to school for exercise science, knowing that one day I was going to open my own fitness studio. Then… I (2011) dragged Jare into our local CrossFit. We both thought we were fit….😂. I quickly changed my mind about school and fitness studios.. and was dead set on opening a CF affiliate. During this time I was also taking care of my grandmother, after Grandad passed. She too was going downhill fast. I was her primary caregiver and spent every day with her. She was a blast. I miss her everyday. She would always try to “steal” Jared from me, saying that “if only I was younger”. She loved him. She passed away in November of 2012. (I wish she could have held Jax, just once.)

2013– How did we end up in NY? We broke up. One of the 100’s of times.. or so it seemed. This one was a bad one though, and Jared actually moved home. We were young, (still are🙄) and crazy emotional. I remember waking up to his stuff gone, and calling Dad at 4am to come watch the dogs, because I was NOT letting go. My gut told me that if I didn’t chase him down, I would regret it for the rest of my life- and boy would that have been the truth!! I moved to NY and shortly there after (after REALLY hating working FOR someone) we ventured into opening CFI. We had started planning it before we moved to NY, but It was going to be in AL. We actually even had our affiliation letter approved before moving to NY.

2014– We opened doors at CFI, got engaged, and was also the year Jare had his accident racing in South Carolina. (I stopped racing in 2012?, but Jare continued.) A bad concussion really messed him up for years afterwards. Depression amongst many other symptoms swept through him, and our relationship. Boy it was tough those first years as business owners and dealing with the effects of a brain injury.

2015-We continued to fight like little kids. Then we had a kid. 🤷🏼‍♀️ No, Jax wasn’t an accident. He wasn’t planned either. We were fully aware that no BC = baby, at some point. I actually was beginning to think I was “broken” and couldn’t have kids… then the week we moved into our new location for CFI, we found out I was pregnant.

2016– That year was hard on Jare, I didn’t do a damn thing at our business, pregnancy took my brain for SURE. When Jax was born, it took a toll on us, mom and dad life was more than we were ready for. Jare was trying to run a growing business by himself, and I was staying home with a baby who did.not.sleep.ever.

An affair took us over. I knew it was happening but didn’t want to admit it. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I did. We did. It made us stronger than ever. Today, I am thankful for it. It has shaped a lot of who I am today. I am a much better, stronger, confident, grounded, woman than ever before. I don’t however, wish it upon anyone. I have forgiven, not forgotten.

2017– Next came Jareds brilliant idea to get back into racing. I wasn’t happy, but I made the decision to support him regardless. At his very first race back, he had his second accident. He hit his head again, in the exact same spot. Broke his helmet, and was unconscious for who knows how long. As I wrote in my last blog.. 

There is not one single doubt in my mind, that he should have left Jax and I that day. Something….someone….put him back on this earth. Call me crazy, I would have prior to experiencing this. But I’m telling you with 100% certainty. That event changed our lives forever.

That day was also a huge turning point in our lives. Probably the biggest. Extreme love & gratitude swept through our family, as well as a belief in something greater than us.

That was when we started really working on our relationship- nurturing it and feeding it. Trying new things, listening and learning from podcasts, reading books about how to be better humans, etc. We finally really started working as a team, and pushing each other toward the best versions of ourselves.

2018– Was a fantastic year. (Other than loosing Klutch and Stella.🐶) I was 100% fixated on getting our mortgage to go through so we could start building our home. After tons of monkeying around, it went through and we broke ground in October. Jared was the absolute best through building, he knew enough to get out of my way and say “whatever you want honey” whenever I asked him about a faucet, light fixture, or which rug to put where. After all, he really doesn’t care about what is where or how or when, but I DO!

2019– We moved into our home!!! And 3? mornings later, I was on a plane to CA because my brother had been paralyzed.😳 Because of the newfound faith in our lives, Jared was able to hang up the phone with Trev, as he was laying in the desert unable to move, and look me in the eye and say “he is going to be okay. Regardless”. I knew it too, but I knew my parents didn’t. I needed to be there for them, so I flew to CA. However, it didn’t make it any less sad. Oh- and when I got back from CA, I was informed that we were to get married the next weekend, and we had a honeymoon trip the next day. 😳 Yup, Jared planned a surprise wedding for us. He knew that if he didn’t just do it, that I would put it off forever. I just didn’t want the stress of one🤷🏼‍♀️. He planned EVERYTHING. I couldn’t go through with it without my family involved, so we rescheduled it. Today I wear the dress HE picked out and bought for me. My girls wear the dresses he bought for them. And we have the people that he invited. It will be small, super unorganized, and just the way we want it.

So … After all that, let’s talk reality. We actually have had more bad times than good for the first 9(?) years that we were together. Or I should say more rocky times than good streaks. Why on earth are we still together!?!? Something deep inside me, from the very beginning, has told me that we are what’s best for each other. As you can see from above, things have come a long long way. We have had one hell of a rollercoaster ride. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. The bumpy ride makes the present day so much sweeter. We are without a doubt totally different people than we were even 3 years ago. I am extremely proud of the growth that has happened individually and together for Jared and I.

Jared and I have been engaged for over 5 years, together for over 11. We’re not married. And I’m SO glad we’re not. Yet. Looking back, if we would have gotten married 4/5 years ago, we would have never gotten the opportunity to truly feel what a wedding (i think) should feel like.

Life has changed so much for us, we are completely different people than we were when we met. Completely. Things are much much better, happier, united. That doesn’t mean we don’t fight. We do. And if anyone pretends like their life is rainbows and sunshine 24/7- I don’t trust them. Things aren’t easy. We work hard at our relationship.

Jare asked me the other day if I was excited to get married… Yes, and no. I am not excited to “get married” …I am excited to be married to my absolute rock. The person who pushes me to be my best. The person who was absolutely placed on this earth for me.

Jare, I am proud and extremely blessed to be your wife.

The Power of Music.

Songs make me happy. So does my gazebo.

Have you ever listened to a song 1000 times but never heard it?  You’ve probably even sang it 100 times..

Over the past year I’ve started to actually hear music. (I know, I’m probably late to the party) 

It can be so powerful! 

I’ve always liked country because it tells a story… but now I found even bigger stories in the words. 

Some songs can literally change your day. Create gratitude, presence, and awareness. Here is just a few of my absolute favorites, and how I relate to them..

Just be Held by Casting Crowns- I was sitting on an airplane, crying, heading home from seeing my brother, laying helpless (paralyzed) in a hospital bed, when this song came on Spotify. Unbelievable timing. I was immediately connected probably more than any other song I’ve ever heard. Not only did this song articulate to a T the message I wanted so badly to express to Trev, but it also holds true for life in general. You are always taken care of. Just simply be held. Your path is already paved…

But I didn’t know this until Jared’s second accident, (which is a whole other blog in itself.)

Jared’s accident brought some sort of belief (i guess you could call it religion) into our lives that there is a higher power, we are taken care of. Because of that, a certain freedom has come into our lives which has also lead me some incredible songs…

God Must Really Love Me by Craig Morgan- I first heard this song on my way home one night from coaching, shortly after Jared’s accident. I immediately thought of him and the experience that he (we) went through. There is not one single doubt in my mind, that he should have left Jax and I that day. Something….someone….put him back on this earth. Call me crazy, I would have prior to experiencing this. But I’m telling you with 100% certainty. That event changed our lives forever. This song made me think of Jared immediately. 

This is it by Scotty McCreery- Jared and I have been engaged for over 5 years, together for over 11. We’re not married. And I’m SO glad we’re not. Yet. Looking back, if we would have gotten married 4/5 years ago, we would have never gotten the opportunity to truly feel what a wedding (i think) should feel like. NOW, I can’t even talk to Jared about our wedding without crying.. Yup, EVERY time. You better believe this will be the song I walk down the aisle to. 

Burning Man by Dierks Bentley- This song completely describes my life and where I have come, and how far I have yet to go. I am a totally different person than I was 5 years ago. Completely. But, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean that some days I don’t just completely loose.my.shit. Some days I have control, other days I don’t. Its a work in progress, and always will be. I think this could resonate with a lot of people.

Keeping Score by Dan + Shay- It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Except our connection to the ones we love. We never know when our last day will be. Period. This song is such a great reminder of that.

There are so many more… to be continued.

Transformational

Man, I don’t even know where to begin. Life is awesome. So awesome.

Looking back at the past five years- man oh man how awesome of a journey it has been! Jared said something to me a few weeks ago that really stuck with me; “It’s like we’re dating completely different people” … And he is 100% correct. The growth that has taken place over the past five years, most being in the past two, is crazy.

Most recently in the past few months, I have grown at max speed… and seem to be just getting started. Everything seems to keep falling into place, everything is making sense. 

I wrote about improving CFI a few weeks ago, and that’s why you haven’t seen me on here in a little while. I have hired a mentor, and I am completely consumed with making CFI the very best that I can. I am only two weeks into learning, and I am over the moon excited. Let me say that again- over.the.moon! I get super super excited just thinking about it, and I can go on and on when talking about it. I have a ton of work ahead of me still, but I’m so ready to keep tackling this mission.

In the midst of this I have also found and said out loud to my closest friends what my next goal is- AFTER getting CFI to the level that I want it to be. That new goal scares me, but so did opening CFI.  I feel the same way about this new goal as I did before opening CFI (clear-cut determined)..my point is that it WILL happen.  Its so freakin awesome to have such a clear goal and vision.

Just as important as the end goal, is all the learning that is taking place- which is new to me. Normally I am only concerned with the end product. I am now fully aware that there actually will never be an “end product” because once I have it to where I want it, I am going to learn something new and apply that. Constantly evolving.

The other day I went through our business FB page’s photo’s and videos.. Have you seen that shit?! (I know! I know! I should have gone back through it all like three years ago-better late than never?) I was mortified of the content that we put out there, of the things that we thought would grow our business. 😳 Holy.Smokes. I was mortified, however I was also not mad at myself. I simply knew that we are in a transition, and am super thankful for who I am today, what I’ve learned, and what I am about to learn. I spent a good part of my day deleting the content. Why? Because that is not an accurate representation of who we are and what we stand for anymore. That shit’s history.

I’m thankful for the learning I’ve done to be able to recognize it, address it, and move forward.

Gosh-moral of the story in today’s post… Life is fucking awesome. So awesome. The world has so much to offer us. Take it, learn it, use it, share it, be nice, and care. Be a better version of yourself everyday.

-Neen

Proud is an understatement.

BMP-3

So…if you didn’t know already (not many people did) Jared has been working super hard toward a big goal of his….becoming part of CrossFit’s Seminar Staff aka the “Red Shirts”. There are around 150 of these trainers at any given time around the world. The process to become one is rigorous, it’s like a super duper long job interview.

He told me that when he took his Level 1, 8 years ago, he told himself that he was going to be “one of them” one day. At that point, he didn’t know why or what it would actually take, but he wanted to do what they did.

He started the internship early in 2018, and after two he was told that he isn’t ready yet, and to apply again in six months. He applied and was accepted to try again. The process is very organized but random- meaning you don’t know if you’re going to do 1, 2, 3, 6? weekends before “finding out” if you’ve made it or not. Every weekend the flomaster takes notes and gives you feedback, in which they send to Dave Castro and Nicole Carroll. Ultimately the decision is up to Dave and Nicole.

Yesterday, Jared got the email that he has been accepted to be part of CrossFit’s seminar staff!!! This is huge! Such an honor.

I knew it a long time ago- I just didn’t tell him. No-I didn’t really know, but every part of me knew that he was exceptional and that there was no way he wasn’t going to be accepted.

Sooo, now what? Basically what this means is that he now gets the opportunity to spend his weekends working for CrossFit, sharing and teaching the awesomeness that is CrossFit!

Our life is about to change, and we’re super excited to make the shift to support this absolutely incredible opportunity that Jare has worked so hard to achieve. The challenges he faced throughout this journey, personally and professionally, have made this feat so much sweeter. He demonstrated pure perseverance throughout.

CFI- you have one of the select best trainers in the world as your head coach, leading you and the rest of your coaches every day! #honored

With super duper proudness,

Nina.

Big Changes.

Thursday I took a big step forward for our business. As I told our amazing team of coaches at our last coaches meeting: “Changes are going to be made within the next 10 weeks. I don’t know what those changes look like yet, but changes are going to be made.”

(If you’re a member and reading this- don’t worry.. nothing but awesomeness is coming your way!)

This all came about in a way where it felt like everything was just falling right into place. Jared has his “own thing” going on with nutrition coaching…. and other things…and something was telling me that it was time for me to step up and out of my comfort zone (Hence…BLOG!) upon other personal growth areas.

I’m on a mission, and I’m super excited!

Watch out,

Nina

Scare of a lifetime.

Yesterday I had the scare of my life. I was certain that I was about to witness my son being killed by a vehicle.

A friend and I were watching Jax on his battery operated tractor, as he drove down the driveway ahead of us. At one point I yelled to him and told him to turn around, but that didn’t happen. So we started walking toward him, and as he went over the hill, we started walking faster. I felt the urge to start to jog to make sure he wasn’t too close to the road. As I crested the hill and could now see down to him, to my sudden surprise, he was way further down the driveway than I had anticipated. My jog instantly turned into a full on sprint.

I was terrified. He was not stopping. It was up to me to catch him. I’ve never run faster in my life.

I caught him. At the guardrail.

And to those of you who don’t know where we live, our driveway goes out on to the main road on a blind corner. There would have been no chance for anyone to see him in advance.

When I got to him, I didn’t yell, I didn’t need to. I scared him. He could sense my terror. I dropped to my knees and tried to filter through what just happened- while trying to explain to him that he should never go that close to the road without Mommy or Daddy. “I was getting the mail Mommy” is what he said.

The emotion that went through my body was indescribable. On our way back to the house he stopped and got off his tractor, he didn’t want to ride it, he said “Mommy made me sad” and he started slowly crying the saddest cry I’ve ever seen. I started crying too. We hugged and I was so unbelievably great-full for that hug. He continued to act quiet and kind of hung around me a little closer than normal for the rest of the day. Jared was away and I couldn’t talk to him until later on in the day, and I was so in need of talking to him.

Since this happened, I have been re-playing it over and over again in my head. I feel like I’m still floating back and forth between shock and gratitude. When I was running I didn’t feel anything, no exhaustion, no second guessing. I just kept telling myself to run faster and don’t fall. I felt like I ran a mile, but it was really only probably 80 meters.

I never understood the phrase “I’d run in-front of a bus for my kids”… until now. I was fully prepared to run into that road without stopping or looking. I was going.

For a second I want to talk about Crossfit… what if I didn’t do CrossFit? Would I have gotten there in time? I definitely had adrenaline pumping, but that wouldn’t have gotten me there in time. This is a true test of what we do- fitness for life. For the unknown and unknowable. I believe my training gave me the ability to adapt and quite possibly save my sons life.

(Oh- and by the way- now that I’ve analyzed the incident over and over again.. “leading with your heart” most certainly makes you run faster. My little legs were going 100mph trying to keep up.)

In my family, we truly believe everything happens for a reason. Our lives are already pre-written and planned. We each are here to serve a purpose. I don’t know if I could have trusted gods plan on that one.

Everything that happens you can find a lesson in. I am extremely great full that he is okay, and my lesson in that event is clear as day to me.

With super gratitude,

Nina